Yesterday I visited the house I lived in when I was little, had a big catharsis about the life I left behind when we moved, and felt some of that grief finally healing.
Which felt like an opening for new possibilities in my life.
And today I left New York once again, but this time as I drove over the bridge into Vermont, I felt as if I were crossing over into a new phase of my life.
Right now I am sitting with an only okay view of fireworks in a small town in Vermont to celebrate the 4th of July, and here is what is going through my mind:
The Fourth of July celebrates the signing of the Declaration of Independence, not of actually gaining independence. That took several more years and they had to fight for it. Hard. But making that declaration, making their intention known and official, is worth celebrating.
Making a plan for a better life, too, and fighting for it, fighting hard, no matter how long it takes, is critical to actually getting that better life.
And today, right now, I am officially declaring my independence, making my intention known and official, to be free from the things that have been holding me back. Free from the fears, free from the defense mechanisms, free from the hurts, free from the coping strategies I developed that no longer serve me.
Those first Americans had been working toward that moment for several years before they declared independence: discussing their grievances, building momentum, clarifying what they wanted (to remain a colony on better terms with England, or independence), and deciding how far they were willing to go to get what they wanted.
I have also been working toward this for several years, gaining momentum and working through the most accessible layers of psychological and emotional hangups, and clarifying more and more what I want out of this Journey and out of my life. I still have a long way to go, but this feels like a major turning point for me.
Crying for the little girl who lost so much when she left New York was a deeply healing moment, and it explained so much about myself that I feel in a very real way that I now have a chance for a second life.
Not a second chance at life, but a chance for a second life. Like I can start fresh now, and become a new person—or rather, more truly the person I was created to be.
I’ve decided that I want to do something big for my birthday next year. I’m not sure yet what, whether a non-party celebration with a few close friends (I don’t like parties), an event, an adventure, or something else. But I want to do something to mark the beginning of my second life.
A life I love. A life in which I love.
* * *